Unhealthy Relationships with Alcohol
- thomasromanus61
- May 26
- 11 min read
Updated: Jun 12
Understanding Your Unhealthy Relationship with Alcohol and the Path to Restoration
Introduction: The Quiet Erosion of Self
There comes a moment—soft but seismic—when the world around you starts whispering a truth you’re not quite ready to hold: something is off. It doesn’t come as a dramatic collapse. It comes in the form of concerned glances, subtle distance, or someone gently asking, “Are you okay?” And you respond with a reflexive “I’m fine,” even as something within you wonders if that’s still true.
This guide is for the moments when you can’t quite ignore the ache any longer. It’s for those who suspect their relationship with alcohol has become more than casual—perhaps even complicated, compulsive, or quietly destructive. Whether you’re questioning your habits, considering moderation, or contemplating lifelong sobriety, this is a space of honest reckoning, compassionate reflection, and possibility.
You are not here to be judged. You are here to be met—exactly where you are.
1. Naming the Truth: When Alcohol Is No Longer Just a Drink
Explanation:
Alcohol can begin innocently—an accessory to celebration, a balm for stress, a social ritual. But over time, what starts as something optional can become something needed. When drinking shifts from a choice to a compulsion, from connection to coping, it is no longer neutral. It becomes a signal—a red flag waving in your emotional landscape.
Reflective Insight:
Alcohol often replaces what we do not yet know how to give ourselves: comfort, silence, connection, courage, calm. Recognizing this is not weakness. It’s awareness. It’s the sacred first step toward healing—naming that this isn’t working, and neither are you, in this version of your life.
Restorative Practice:
Begin a “truth journal.” Each time you feel the urge to drink, pause and write down: What time is it? What am I feeling? What just happened? Over time, this practice unveils the emotional rhythms and environmental triggers behind your drinking.
2. The Inner Conflict: Denial, Guilt, and the Hidden Self
Explanation:
When we suspect alcohol may be a problem, we don’t always leap to change—we often waver. One part of us defends the behavior (“It’s not that bad”), while another watches with growing discomfort. This conflict creates a painful split—the part of you that wants to stop and the part that cannot imagine how.
Reflective Insight:
The part of you that wants to heal isn’t new—it’s just been waiting. Guilt is not a moral failure; it’s your deeper self asking for something more honest. And denial isn’t always deliberate. Sometimes, it’s survival.
Restorative Practice:
Write a letter from your “wise self” to your “coping self.” Let the part of you that seeks healing speak with compassion, not condemnation. You are not broken. You are tired of the war within.
3. Alcohol as a Coping Mechanism: Emotional Pain and the Need to Numb
Explanation:
Alcohol can soothe what feels not soothable: trauma, abandonment, anxiety, shame. For many, it is not a party—it is a refuge. But numbing is a short-term solution with long-term consequences. Every time we avoid pain through alcohol, we reinforce the belief that our emotions are too dangerous to feel.
Reflective Insight:
What if the goal isn’t to stop the pain but to finally learn to feel it safely? Underneath the desire to numb is a longing to be comforted, to be held, to be understood. Sobriety doesn’t just remove alcohol—it returns you to yourself.
Restorative Practice:
Create an “emotional toolkit.” Include sensory grounding exercises, calming music, breathwork, movement, or calling a trusted friend. When pain arises, reach for your toolkit instead of the bottle.
4. Social Triggers and Cultural Norms: “Everyone Drinks” – But Not Everyone Struggles
Explanation:
We live in a culture that romanticizes alcohol and normalizes excess. From dinner parties to grieving rituals, drinking is everywhere—and abstaining often draws more attention than overindulgence. This makes it hard to recognize when your personal line has been crossed.
Reflective Insight:
You can be surrounded by people who drink and still choose a different path. You do not need permission to protect your peace. And you don’t need a dramatic “rock bottom” to say, enough.
Restorative Practice:
Practice gentle boundary-setting. Try statements like, “I’m focusing on my health,” or “I’m taking a break for now.” Align with people who support your choices, not challenge them.
5. Moving Toward Sobriety or a Healthier Relationship
Explanation:
Recovery looks different for everyone. Some choose moderation with clear limits. Others find freedom only in complete sobriety. The key is not the label—it’s the relationship. When your relationship with alcohol is no longer built on avoidance, compulsion, or fear, you begin to reclaim control.
Reflective Insight:
Imagine your relationship with alcohol as one with a toxic partner. There may be good times—but the cost is your peace, your safety, your self-trust. Would you stay in a relationship that took more than it gave?
Restorative Practice:
Commit to a 30-day reset. Use that time to journal, reflect, and track your emotional state without alcohol. At the end, reflect: What changed? What returned to me? What did I grieve—and what did I gain?
6. When You Stumble: Shame, Slips, and the Path Back
Explanation:
Slips and relapses are not signs of failure—they are part of the process for many. The danger lies not in the slip, but in the shame that follows. Shame tells you to give up. Compassion tells you to begin again.
Reflective Insight:
Every stumble holds information. What stress, emotion, or unmet need led you back to the drink? Understanding this doesn’t excuse the behavior—it empowers your healing.
Restorative Practice:
After a slip, write down what happened with curiosity, not criticism. Then create a “Rescue Plan” for future moments—what can you do, say, or reach for instead? And remember: the next step is always available.
7. Understanding the Stages of Alcohol Use
From Social Drinking to Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD)
Alcohol use exists on a spectrum. Not everyone who drinks has a problem, and not everyone who struggles fits the stereotype. Understanding these stages helps create self-awareness, not self-shame. By identifying where you may currently fall on this continuum, you gain the power to make intentional, compassionate changes.
Stage 1: Social Drinking
Deeper Insight:
Social drinking is where most people begin—a glass of wine at dinner, a beer during a game, a celebratory toast at a wedding. In this stage, alcohol has little emotional charge. It’s not used to cope, escape, or self-soothe. It’s simply present, occasional, and optional.
However, cultural norms can obscure early shifts. Social drinking can become the soil in which dependency grows—especially if it becomes ritualized as a reward or stress reliever.
Reflection Prompt:
When I drink, is it tied to connection and joy—or is it starting to replace it? Can I comfortably decline a drink without feeling like I’m missing out or drawing attention?
Stage 2: Habitual Use
Deeper Insight:
In this stage, alcohol begins to form part of a regular routine. It's no longer just about socializing—it's a way to decompress, mark the end of the day, or ease boredom. Drinking becomes predictable, even if moderate.
This shift is subtle but important. Alcohol use starts to fill emotional space without you realizing it. The line between enjoyment and dependency begins to blur—not in crisis, but in quiet habit.
Reflection Prompt:
What emotional purpose is alcohol beginning to serve in my daily life? Does a day without it feel incomplete, restless, or harder to manage?
Stage 3: Risky Use
Deeper Insight:
In the risky use stage, consequences begin to emerge—physically, socially, or emotionally. You may find yourself drinking more than intended, using alcohol to handle stressful situations, or needing more to achieve the same effect (tolerance). Despite some internal or external warnings, the behavior continues.
This stage is often accompanied by self-minimization: “It’s not that bad.” But the risks are there—relationships begin to shift, sleep worsens, moods fluctuate, and the body starts to signal distress.
Reflection Prompt:
Have I started to ignore small red flags—headaches, missed obligations, conflict, or emotional numbing?
What am I risking to keep drinking the way I do?
Stage 4: Problematic Use / Early Signs of Dependence
Deeper Insight:
Here, alcohol use becomes a central emotional coping mechanism. You may notice increased secrecy, isolation, or shame. Attempts to cut back are difficult or short-lived. The focus is no longer on enjoyment—it’s about relief, escape, or avoidance.
Alcohol may now be interfering with work, relationships, self-esteem, or mental health. You might feel out of alignment with your values but unsure how to stop. This is often the emotional tipping point—where pain begins to outweigh perceived benefits.
Reflection Prompt:
Is alcohol still adding to my life—or is it slowly taking pieces away?
What am I losing—internally and externally—as I try to maintain this relationship?
Stage 5: Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD)
(Mild, Moderate, or Severe based on DSM-5-TR Criteria: Note Full criteria see Exhibit A)
Deeper Insight:
Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) is a diagnosable medical condition, not a personal failure. At this stage, drinking is no longer a behavior—it is a system of survival, avoidance, and altered functioning. Cravings, loss of control, increasing tolerance, and withdrawal symptoms are common. Emotional, social, and physical deterioration often intensify.
People at this stage may feel trapped in a cycle of drinking, shame, withdrawal, and regret—while still desperately trying to appear functional. Hope may feel distant. But even here, recovery is possible. This is not the end of your story—it is the beginning of an honest, courageous rewrite.
Reflection Prompt:
If I’m honest, is alcohol running my life—my thoughts, my choices, my energy?
What would it mean to finally ask for help—not because I’m weak, but because I want my life back?
Visual Reference Chart: The Alcohol Use Spectrum
Stage | Description | Common Behaviors | Emotional Landscape |
1. Social Drinking | Occasional, controlled drinking in social settings | Toasting at events, drinks with friends, no strong urge or reliance | Light, neutral, optional |
2. Habitual Use | Alcohol becomes a regular part of daily or weekly routine | Evening drink to unwind, planned weekly drinks, discomfort when skipping | Subtle reliance, preoccupation begins |
3. Risky Use | Drinking starts to lead to consequences, both physically and socially | Over-drinking at events, drinking before driving, increased quantity or frequency | Defensiveness, minimizing, rising tension |
4. Problematic Use | Alcohol used as primary coping tool, with emerging negative life consequences | Drinking in isolation, failed attempts to cut back, conflict with loved ones | Shame, secrecy, misalignment with values |
5. AUD (Mild–Severe) | Diagnosable disorder with loss of control, cravings, and functional impairment | Daily drinking, morning drinking, withdrawal, significant life disruption | Powerlessness, fear, emotional and physical decline |
8. When It May Be Time to See a Professional
Recognizing the Moment You Need Help, Is an Act of Deep Courage
If you're trying to stop or cut back and can’t. If alcohol has damaged your relationships, health, or sense of self. If you feel lost, stuck, or scared about your future without alcohol—please reach out.
Professional support—through therapy, medical consultation, peer recovery groups, or addiction counseling—can provide the tools and healing frameworks you deserve. You don’t have to do this alone. And you don’t have to wait until things get worse.
Reaching out is not giving up. It’s the moment you finally choose yourself.
Insight: Why Getting Help Feels So Hard—But Matters So Much
Many people wait far too long to seek help—not because they don’t need it, but because shame convinces them they should be able to do it alone. There’s a myth that “needing help” is weakness. But in truth, recognizing when you’re stuck, overwhelmed, or drowning is a sign of emotional intelligence. It means you’re paying attention. It means you’re ready to heal with help, not just through willpower.
The truth? Healing doesn’t mean you have to be the hero alone. It means you allow others to walk beside you when the weight becomes too much to carry.
How to Know You May Need Professional Support
Here are some signs—gentle, but important—that your relationship with alcohol may require more structured, compassionate support:
Behavioral Signs:
You’ve tried to cut down or stop drinking multiple times without lasting success.
You’re hiding how much or how often you drink from others.
You drink alone more than you drink socially.
Drinking has become a daily habit, and you feel anxious without it.
You’ve lied, minimized, or justified your drinking to yourself or others.
Emotional Signs:
You feel guilt, regret, or shame after drinking—regularly.
You experience cravings that feel intrusive or hard to ignore.
You use alcohol to cope with anxiety, loneliness, trauma, or emotional pain.
You feel emotionally numb, disconnected, or out of touch with your true self.
You’re afraid of who you might be without alcohol.
Relational Signs:
Loved ones have expressed concern, frustration, or fear about your drinking.
You’ve noticed growing conflict, disconnection, or distrust in key relationships.
Alcohol has contributed to lost friendships, breakups, or distance from family.
You isolate more, fearing judgment or the effort of pretending you're fine.
Functional Signs:
Your drinking is affecting your performance at work or school.
You’ve missed responsibilities or obligations due to hangovers or intoxication.
You’ve driven while impaired or put yourself/others at risk.
Health issues (physical or mental) have worsened due to alcohol.
What Professional Help Can Look Like
Support doesn’t mean you need to enter rehab tomorrow (though for some, that’s appropriate). It means inviting support that fits your unique needs—and starting wherever you are.
Here are common pathways:
1. Therapy or Counseling
Trauma-informed therapists can help uncover the why behind your drinking.
You can work on emotional regulation, grief, boundaries, and self-worth in tandem with behavioral change.
2. Addiction Counseling or Recovery Coaching
Focused support on recovery strategies, motivation, accountability, and relapse prevention.
Often available online or in-person, tailored to you.
3. Medical Evaluation
If you’re physically dependent on alcohol, a doctor can assess the safest way to detox—alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous and should be medically supervised if severe.
Physicians can also explore medication-assisted treatment (like naltrexone or acamprosate).
4. Group Support and Peer-Based Models
12-Step (AA): Spiritual and community-based support with a structured process.
SMART Recovery: Non-religious, cognitive-based recovery tools.
Moderation Management: For those seeking to reduce intake without total abstinence.
Online recovery communities (like The Luckiest Club, Soberistas, Tempest): Support that’s accessible and stigma-free.
How to Take the First Step Toward Help
Taking the first step may feel terrifying—but it can be small and doable. Here are ways to begin:
Talk to one trusted person. Say: “I think I’m struggling. I want to make a change, but I don’t know how.”
Make one appointment. Whether it’s your doctor, a therapist, or a support group—just schedule it.
Write down your truths. What do you want to be different? What are you afraid of? Let your inner voice speak without interruption.
Look up resources in a quiet moment. Let yourself browse, read stories, listen to podcasts, or explore programs that feel like they see you.
You Don’t Need to Have “Proven” Anything
You don’t need to hit rock bottom. You don’t need to wait until it gets worse. You don’t need to have a dramatic story. You just need to know that something doesn’t feel right.
And that knowing is enough.
Final Thought: You Are Not Broken—You Are Becoming
You are not the worst thing you’ve done while drinking. You are not your blackout nights, your broken promises, or your quiet regrets. You are a person who has been trying to survive, often in the absence of the support you truly needed.
But now… you are waking up.
This path is not easy—but it is sacred. In choosing healing, you will meet parts of yourself you haven’t seen in years: your laughter, your presence, your mornings, your clarity. Piece by piece, you return—not to the person you were before alcohol, but to the version of you that has been forged in honesty, courage, and light.
You are not too far gone.
You are on your way back to life.
This material is the original work of Thomas W. Romanus and is protected by copyright. It may not be used, reproduced, or distributed in any form without written consent. All rights reserved.
Exhibit A
DSM-5-TR Criteria for Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD)
To be diagnosed with AUD, an individual must meet at least two of the following criteria within a 12-month period. The severity is determined by how many criteria are met:
Mild: 2–3 symptoms from the criteria listing
Moderate: 4–5 symptoms from the criteria listing
Severe: 6 or more symptoms from the criteria listing
The 11 Criteria:
Alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended.
There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use.
A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects.
Craving, or a strong desire or urge to use alcohol.
Recurrent alcohol use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home.
Continued alcohol use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of alcohol.
Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of alcohol use.
Recurrent alcohol use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (e.g., driving, operating machinery).
Alcohol use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by alcohol.
Tolerance, as defined by either:
A need for markedly increased amounts of alcohol to achieve intoxication or desired effect, or
A markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of alcohol.
Withdrawal, as manifested by either:
The characteristic withdrawal syndrome for alcohol, or
Alcohol (or a closely related substance, such as a benzodiazepine) is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.
Comments